No Shame

i) shame-full

Imperialist, I let you in;
allowed you through my creed;
sold out to faith and family,
entranced by flirtive fling.
I lurked within your shadows,
my goal was fortune's game.
Fecundity, acceptance,
within your grand acclaim.
Your tribute recognition,
leaving golden streaks of stain.

Until you came.
You stripped me.
Reclothed my virgin skin.
And then you stared
my nakedness
into a priceless shame.


ii) shame-less

Imperialist, I cast you out.
My body now my own.
Reclaimed, redeemed, respected.
Retrieved to mend my skin.
Restored to claim dread freedom;
Revived to chant respite;
Dignity breathes deeply.
Released, no longer held.

Now freed
to prostitute myself
with nakedness new clothed.
In homespun cottons
wrapped and draped.
No satin shines of shame.


(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

Cellulies

i) Last time

Last time you called
I turned the other side.
Shut the door
then walked downstairs.
After four steps
I ran back
but the ringing had stopped.

Last time you called
I watched the phone stir.
Let the sound
rip through air.
After four breaths
I touched the receiver
and sighed.

Last time you called
I bit my fingernails.
Shut my ears
then felt wet cheeks
after four tears
had dripped on the wire.
I froze.

Last time you called
I waited by the phone.
Let it ring.
Picked it up.
After four 'Hi's'
I heard you ask why,
and I lied.

ii) This time

This time I promise
to allow you space for drinking
give you time for gambling
let you do the grumbling
leave you to your snoring.

This time I vow
to leave your clothes scattered
push up the toilet seat
never change your toothbrush
sniffle only when you sleep.

This time I swear
to stay away from office
wait for you to call me
watch you golf from distance
hear you sigh responseless

This time I will not
fall like a fool
be broken to smithereens
lie smashed like a banana skin
stare hopeless at the cracking wall.

This time
I guess
will not come.


(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

Stained Fabric

Once
I let you
touch me
till my hairs tingled
and I woke up and found
a stale rojak packet
squashed under
my stretch
skirt.

Once
I let you
hold me till my tits froze
and I was spilling kuay teow
on my creased jacket
oily stains on my
sleeve.

Once
I let you
kiss me till my lips burned
and I found udang sambal
splashed all over
the starched collar
and pearl buttons
of my silk
shirt.

Once
I let you in
there's no telling
what will happen
to the linens and silks
of my wardrobe.


(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

Mismarriage

Forced into marriage,
too old and too fat,
you are told
you must have him,
a doctor, no less.

Forced into children
too late and too long,
you are warned
they will drain you,
investment no less.

Forced into beatings,
too hard and too deep,
you are hushed
into silence
he's a tough man, no less.

Forced into anger,
too cold and too proud,
you are made
into martyr
for your child,
                     yes, no less.


(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

A Question of Rights

Whose right is it, I ask you
to tell me I should marry;
not be pleased with singlehood
make sure I find a spouse?

Whose right is it, I ask you
to show me who to marry;
decked in fine jewellery
make sure I pay a dowry?

Whose right is it, I ask you
to tell the man I marry
I want him for companionship;
make sure he will respect me?

Whose right is it, I ask you
to show the man I marry
just how to be my equal;
make sure he will not beat me?

(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

Quick Marriage

i) young bride

elegant
awkward
standing silent
in the close by
shadows

the young bride
flirts with her face
in the mirror.

aware
alone
unashamed
yet so amiss

she is tickled
by her fancies
of crass, rich, taste.

hushed beauty
solemnly sensual
she is soft
serene
subliminous

and he enters
to her smiling
as her lips begin
to part.

till the munthani
slips
to the cold terrazo floor
and a breeze
creeps a chill
up her thigh.


ii) young widow

too young
when her husband died,
she mourned
in silent
tears.

too awed
when they spoke in stares,
she wept
unwoken
fears.

unshaken
by unnerving incense,
his corpse
embalmed
her strength.

unbroken
by unceasing comment,
his spirit
invokes
her stealth.


(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

A Toast to Drunkenness

Your verse is always
"I'm alright".
You never will relent
to simple basic commonsense
to spare us more regret.

Your chant is always
confident.
You never will admit
that sometimes
you are way too drunk
to swerve before you hit.

Your hands are always
much too numb.
They lose all feint control.
They cannot grip
nor hold the wheel.
Your palms are cold
as stone.

Your breath is always
much too foul.
You cannot even smell
the nightmare
you impose on those
whose wheel
may steer to hell.

Your eye is always
much too flushed.
You never will foresee.
The anguish I exonerate
each time you miss a tree.

Your liver now
is much too limp
you have a month to breathe.
The blood they feed you now
in pints,
go toast and drink
disease.

(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

Backseat

I remember clearly
sitting in the backseat
watching the road swerve
from side to side
as you steered
and my mother twitched,
praying.

I remember clearly
watching the road lines
move swiftly in circles
from left to right,
as you braked
and my brother flew
sideways.

I remember clearly
dreaming the story
how we nearly
were smashed up,
as you drove
and my terror
despised you.

I remember clearly
sitting now in the frontseat
as my child in the backseat
sits frozen in fear
as her father,
drunk further,
just drives.

(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999

New Born Baby

health and wealth
and prosper
baby

all will smile
and toast the
family

hope and hype
and happy
mummy

each will up
and cheer the
daddy

sing and dance
and clap the
bailas

coo and gurgle
stuff the
belly

pour the beer
and fill the
whiskey

some will laugh
and greet the
morn

thrill and spill
and sport the
road

some will crash
and die at
dawn.

(c) Charlene Rajendran 1999